Secret federal judge stuff and Black Sabbath

I am really worried about Chinese hackers.  Additionally, I am really worried about the kid who  disclosed a bunch of secret stuff and fled to Hong Kong.  (I have been to Hong Kong–he should try the dumplings.)  Most importantly, I am really worried that the Chinese or the kid in Hong Kong may tap into my super secret federal judge stuff.

This morning when I “fired up” the government laptop at home, this is what happened:

  1. The laptop spoke to the hardware router via encrypted something or other.  Buzzing ensued.
  2. The finger print scanner on the laptop failed.  I had been eating a sugar donut, and the instructions say to wash your hands before accessing the scanner.  Even after I licked my fingers, the damn thing wouldn’t work.
  3. I used the alternate password method to open the laptop.
  4. I then put in the second password to get to the desktop.
  5. With that, I then accessed the secure network via another password.
  6. After that, I got into my e-mail account with yet another password.
  7. I accessed the Apple e-mail about Black Sabbath that I blogged about yesterday secure in the knowledge that Chinese hackers or the kid in Hong Kong had absolutely no clue whatever about whether I added Black Sabbath to my play list.

I just wanted you to know that all my top-secret judge stuff is safe.  I know you were really worried.


2 responses

  1. The fact that Obama inherited the national security apparatus from George W. reminds me of a story about the great Giants player/manager Leo Durocher. A rookie was starting for the Giants in center field. Durocher sent the kid out with a lot of instructions. In short order the rookie booted a ground ball, had a line-drive go through his legs, and missed a fly ball. Three runs scored. When the kid came back to the dug-out Durocher said, “Kid, let me show you how to play that position.” The next inning Durocher boots a ground ball, has a line-drive go through his legs. and misses a fly ball. Five runs score. Durocher runs back to the dug-out and says to the rookie, “Kid, you fucked up that position so bad nobody can play it!” The Bush presidency is the gift that keeps on giving.

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