When Judge Robert Bork was up for confirmation before the Senate for a seat on the Supreme Court, an enterprising reporter by the name of Michael Dolan convinced the local rental place to give him a copy of the movies Bork had rented. That bit of reportage became legendary in the annals of judicial confirmation sleaze. It was also pretty funny.
Anyway, as I write this, I am thinking of Judge Bork and Mr. Dolan. Last night, I watched Battle Earth. (“A squad of Canadian soldiers survive a helicopter crash deep behind enemy lines during an alien invasion of Earth, now they have to survive the night.”)
This is a film about the invasion of earth where the “squid” threaten to take over the world, most particularly Canada. In my pantheon of worst movies ever, this one has risen to the top. It has it all. Canada defending the world. Cinematography by Handicam. Special effects that are not special like really bad fake helicopters. Monsters suits that don’t fit. And, the best cinematic device of all is the head-brain of all the squid, captured by our intrepid Canadian fighting men and lugged around in a tackle box. I am absolutely certain that the brain was an American football covered in Saran wrap.
One critic put it perfectly, “this is barely filmmaking.” So, if some summer evening you are worrying about the end of the earth, and desperately need to feel secure, rent and watch Battle Earth. O Canada!
By the way, I am very interested in hearing from readers about their nominations for the worst currently rentable movie. There may be a prize, perhaps your very own DVD of Battle Earth.
PS. I’d sooner give out my DSM-IV diagnosis (yes, I know there is a DSM-V, but I am a conservative) than I would release a list of movies that I have rented. You can see why.