The best headline ever

One of my career law clerks, Jan, sent me the following via e-mail using the title to this post as her “re” line:

Australian Wild Pig Drinks 18 Beers, Gets in Fight with Cow
By James A. Foley

A feral pig ransacked a campsite and drank at least 18 cans of beer before getting into an altercation with a cow in Australia.
The incident, which happened in a remote area of Western Australia at the DeGray River rest area, prompted officials to warn campers to keep their food and alcohol secure.
The wild pig was seen around the campsite for several days last week, the Australian Broadcasting Corporation (ABC) reported, citing officials who said the animal got into multiple six-packs of beer over the course of a few days.
Fionna Findley, from the government highway division Main Roads, told ABC that the people camping overnight at the rest area said that “the pig stole their beers, drank them and then afterwards proceeded to tear apart the bin liners.”
“We just want to remind everyone when you do pull over, make sure [your food and alcohol] is securely stored because there are a lot of animals out there that are keen for a free feed.”
One camper who reportedly spoke with the affected campers told ABC that the pig got into 18 beers, ransacked the campsite’s garbage bins and got into a fight with a cow.
The camper, who was only identified as Merida, said “there was some other people camped right on the river and they saw him running around their vehicle being chased by a cow.
“It was going around and around and then it went into the river and swam across to the middle of the river.”
Findley told ABC that that her crews are not equipped to deal with wild pigs, especially if they are drunk.
The pig was last seen lying beneath a tree, potentially nursing a hangover.
In the remote regions of Western Australia, feral pigs are seen an invasive pest because of the diseases they carry, which can infect livestock, The Guardian reported.

As always, I agree with Jan.

RGK

11 responses

  1. Rich, I know this is rhetorical, but how did the pigs get the beer bottles/cans open? After 18 beers, I’d probably be getting chased around by a cow too (or passed out).

    For God-knows-what reason, this somehow reminds me of perhaps the single funniest line I ever saw written. It was funny because it was in a place where you don’t expect to see funny stuff. My third year of law school and my wife Judy’s second, we lived together in graduate school housing. She was pregnant and we had no money, but in that 20-something era of our lives we didn’t care, because we knew that things would work out (and they did, and somehow I worry more now).

    Anyway, I was very excited because graduate school housing at U.C. Davis started to offer cable T.V., but for a few bucks more per month you could upgrade to get “Showtime.” My argument was that it was cheaper than a movie a month, plus being pregnant she would alternate between being hungry and nauseated every 10 minutes, which was kind of a drag in a public place.

    Anyway, my point (and I do have one), was that she said that the movies on Showtime would suck, and presaging our marital dynamics of the next 28 years, she was right. So we got the guide, and I’m looking through it, and sure enough, the movies really, really suck. The guide was unusually candid about them.

    Then my eyes light upon a review for the movie “Razorback.” The review is one droll sentence. (In fact, in the dictionary next to the entry “droll,” there should be this sentence.) The sentence (and I really have committed it to memory read in full: “Arguably the best movie ever made about a man-eating pig.”

    I am ashamed to say that I actually watched most of it. It made “Manos: The Hands of Fate” look like “Gone with the Wind.” Best, Pat.

  2. Dear Pat,

    Arguably, your comment is the best ever response by a former law school Dean on an obscure legal blog regarding a post heralding drunken pigs and aggressive cows.

    You ask: How did the pig open the beer? With a can opener, of course! Never forget Occam’s razor (lex parsimoniae);the simplest explanation is always the simplest explanation–or something.

    All the best.

    RGK

  3. Along those lines, I once saw Joe Ely’s “Gallo Del Cielo” described, in complete sincerity, as “one of the most poignant cockfighting songs ever written.”

  4. See here for a performance of that sublime song in Scotland with an introduction that suggests Joe first heard Tom Russell’s Gallo Del Cielo in Norway. All the best.

    RGK

  5. how did the pigs get the beer bottles/cans open?

    In my youth, I opened beer bottles by knocking their necks against a nearby curb or stone. Surely a pig is smarter than me….

    Eric Hines

  6. Rich, the “arguably” qualifier is critical here. Really, I think makers of “Razorback” could have made an unqualified claim. Is your wife always right? Mine is. Actually it is now a definitional issue. If we disagree she is right. For whatever reason, sometimes young men (law students, sons, whomever) seek my advice on these matters. I developed what I modestly call the “Borchers axiom” for heterosexual relationships. The male’s maximum net score in the “points” game is zero. You can get way in the hole. You can get out of the hole. But you can never, ever get ahead. If you think that the flowers you bought last week are going to somehow mitigate the damage when you have to work late and can’t make Parent-Teacher night, brother you gotta lotta learnin’ to do. Best, Pat.

  7. Dear Pat,

    The “Borchers axiom” is actually an elegant and obviously correct statement of the undisputed organizing principle of the universe that Einstein sought but could never find. It is good to know that you (I mean your wife) discovered it. Stated even more simply: We (I mean the male gender collectively) are not worthy.

    All the best.

    RGK

  8. Dear Clerk,

    I still think this one is better than the Canadian headline, that is,”Small Earthquake in Chile/Not Many Dead.” All the best.

    RGK

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