To the Chinese Cyber Army: Make my day, hack my government laptop, please

The massive hack that may have stolen the personal information of four million federal employees appears designed to build a vast database in what could be preparation for future attacks by China against the U.S., cybersecurity experts advising the government told CNN Friday afternoon.”

Kevin Liptak, Theodore Schleifer and Jim Sciutto, China might be building vast database of federal worker info, experts say, CNN (June 5, 2015).

Our government, with the aid of the Mossad, unleashed the stuxnet computer virus on Iran. That caused Iranian centrifuges to spin wildly out of control thus slowing Iran’s ambition to play with nukes like the big

OK, I get it. If the Iranians developed and dropped a nuke on Saudi Arabia it would drive down judicially approved beheadings to unacceptable levels. If Israel got atomized by the Supreme Leader, there would be a world-wide shortage of matzoh bread. I love to eat that stuff slathered in butter. Some hacks like these make perfect sense.

While our government was out stuxneting, the Chinese Cyber Army seems to have been breaking into a lot of our government’s computers. But, so far as I know, they have not yet hacked my government laptop that I attempt to use at home to remain productive. That stark omission annoys the hell out of me.

Indeed, I need and desperately want Chinese hackers to show me an easy way to get into my government laptop. Here’s why.

Let’s say I need to read a super secret e-mail from the GSA telling me that building occupants should not use the east entrance because the revolving door had crushed another citizen and GSA was unwilling to violate OSHA standards to extract the corpse from the machinery. The following is what I would have to endure to read this critical bit of information:

  • Physically open the laptop thus causing the router to connect to the Web via an encrypted link.
  • Press start, and then type in a password that I can never remember ’cause we must change it frequently.
  • The foregoing takes me to a screen where another password sends me to an encrypted virtual private network.
  • After that, I provide yet another password to open what is laughingly called my virtual desktop.
  • Finally, I access my e-mail with still another password that I normally can’t remember.
  • The e-mail program slowly opens, and I access the GSA crush and corpse missive.

Now, I suppose I could go to our own IT staff. But that will not work. First, they scare me. This rough bunch wear ninja outfits and cover their faces with ski masks. Moreover, they take a blood oath to protect the secrecy of information like the GSA crushed-corpse e-mail. Hence, they would just as soon not have me use the laptop, and they are happy clams when I get locked out.

China war gamesSo, I say to the Chinese Cyber Army: I know you can help me. Hack my laptop, and then send me your simple work around. Don’t send it to my government e-mail ’cause chances are I won’t get it. Instead, send your fix to my Gmail address, Google remembers everything for me–I don’t have to think, and that is a major plus.

This request, of course, assumes, that you–the elite Cyber Army of the PRC–have not blown your brains out reading the crap on my device. Stay strong comrades (强留同志). I’m depending upon you.

By the way, would any of you be willing to remove a crushed corpse from a revolving door? The stench is becoming worrisome.


7 responses

  1. Ha ha. Mine disconnects 20 seconds after the VPN connects and then has to reconnect. I win — since all the other irritations are the same.

  2. RGK,
    Problems like this create a fertile opportunity for us younger and less expensive law students. During one clerkship summer I found myself being passed around the office anytime anyone had a computer problem instead of calling I.T. because I apparently spoke Old Fart* fluently and knew how to work with microsoft word.

    *Old Fart is a language spoken by older lawyers, consisting mostly of silence and muttering while staring forelornly at their computer trying to remember how to do something. Importantly, old lawyers don’t actually care how to fix the problem long-term, just so long as you fix the damn thing within five minutes so they can get on with their day. I.T. people fail to understand this and instead try to explain things. This never works.


    P.S. I may have to change my monicker soon, since I’m taking the bar exam in July. Any suggestions? Southern Unemployed Lawyer maybe?

  3. SLS: You probably do not want to relocate to California but you are welcome to send a resume to aboutthesame-at-gmail since your sense of humor is worth cultivating.

  4. SLS,

    When looking for work, don’t overlook the Chinese Cyber Army. That, of course, assumes you can utter old fart in Mandarin.

    All the best.

    The Ultimate Old Fart

  5. Judge K, thanks to you and this post, my neighbors now think I’m the neighborhood crazy cackling woman. I made the mistake of reading your blog while sitting on my front porch, enjoying my “beverage of choice.”

    As a fellow federal employee, I identify completely with your password-induced pain and suffering, especially as it relates to GSA correspondence (do you really read those….?). Anyway, sincere thanks for making me laugh (or had the beverage gone to my head?).

  6. Amused and Intrigued,

    Keeping drinking, that is the only way to read anything from the GSA.

    All the best.


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